28 January 2017.
The day for resurrection has come.
Yesterday night, a beast was clawing its way out of my chest.
It sunk its teeth into my windpipe as I
tried to bury it under more layers of
I don’t care and
This should not and will not affect me and
I am stronger than this.
I was afraid, the way humans were made to be.
Afraid of the wreckage it would leave in its trail
of broken backs and broken hearts;
hours that could have been
spent nuzzling under the covers, or delighting
in the difference between love borne of a vessel overflowing,
eager to permeate and fill,
love borne of air
as thin as the space between one’s pillow and nose.
This heart has little space left for bitterness.
I’ve spent my time perfecting the craft of
bending question marks back until they formed a straight path
leading me away from you. At the end is a full
to signal the point where I have the freedom to
One, change direction;
Two, begin anew – new words, new stories;
I know, I know,
not too long ago
voices whispered in my ear.
Some told me to keep jumping in the pile of leaves
maybe if I got to the bottom
rock, solid, safe ground
then I could stay and build my home.
Others told me to leave it be
let Nature weave time into
two-inch thick hummus
rich enough for anyone to plant fresh apple seeds.
My stubborn mind has finally decided to accept that there are just some people who are not good for me, no matter how hard I try to make things work. I think, I used to think I was invincible – at least in the area of interpersonal relationships. I was confident that given time and trust, I would be able to convince anyone to manage conflicts with me, because I was that rock that could not be moved – I only sit waiting (im)patiently for the other party to come back to me.
I wasn’t afraid of emotional pain. In many ways, I’m still not afraid of it now. I’ve just… Learnt to expend it on those with more compatible people, people whose ways of handling disagreements were similar to mine.
It’s funny I should put it this way. I feel like I’m starting to take ownership for my life, instead of going in whatever direction the wind takes me.
I’m excited to see what I can do.